MY BIRTH STORY

I was asked more times than I can count, "So, whats your birth plan!?", and my response...well I don't know yet, whats a birth plan anyway? 

I soon found out my "birth plan" was an expectation I shouldn't have had. 

I had discussions with my Dr. from the beginning that I wanted a vaginal birth if possible, definitely a hospital birth and I wanted an epidural once the pain got too intense. I think every woman must know their options, and the risks with everything going into child birth. Know if you want something to ease your pain, be educated on home and hospital births, just know your options. Although, know that you can have these beautiful plans but life happens and be ready to take a "U" turn when it does. 

From the beginning of my pregnancy I had high hopes for this picture perfect delivery. The most kind and comforting Dr. was going to deliver my baby as she had delivered my sisters 4 children. I would have a vaginal birth, oped for the epidural, with my family and Jorden cheering me on the sidelines we would deliver what we thought was a chubby little linebacker baby boy. 

Tuesday February 27th, I was 40 weeks and 2 days. 

I went into my appointment, over due and super anxious and slightly frustrated. I was yet again seeing another Dr. who was not my own, and I was ready to have this baby already. Luckily, I was scheduled with the one Dr. I was comfortable with besides my original OB. Honestly, I had hardly seen my OB throughout this entire pregnancy, so I was already pretty flustered every time I had to be seen. I felt forgotten after multiple appointments of waiting over an hour to see my Dr. and just not really feeling heard. Little did I know God sent me an angel in the form of Dr. Kam. 

Every single thing I said, she heard. She listened to my concerns, and didn't brush anything I said off. I was especially thankful for this at my last appointment. I had lost my mucus plug, had the "bloody show" and mild contractions for a few weeks. But, this day felt different...and I figured I would be sent home to wait it out even longer. At the end of my appointment I said, "He hasn't been as active as usual.." and instead of assuming its because hes run out of room, she hooked me up and monitored me for about an hour. After no luck of our baby making substantial movement, we went over to ultrasound.

Still. Completely still.

We only saw his back, and his little ears...you could say at this point I was scared. My palms started to sweat, my heart was racing and all I could think about was, I was going to lose this baby. 

Instead of blowing it off, the Dr. contemplated what was our next step. She originally scheduled me for an induction for that Sunday, March 4th but she quickly came in during the ultrasound and said... "Ok, I'm going to call the hospital, we need to induce you today." You can imagine my relief, but I was still very hesitant, I was so confused as to why he wasn't moving. The Dr. eased my nerves and let me know he was okay, and we just need to get him out, hes "Fully baked" as she put it. 

4:30pm, we arrived at the hospital to be induced. It was anything but a quick process. 

I had my makeup done from the day, I just found out we were going to have this baby and his heart rate looked great so everything was going as planned, so I thought. We were snapchatting, sharing our last moments of just us, laughing and in good spirits. We were coming to a close on day 1 and I wasn't dilating very quickly, and baby had not dropped to where he needed to be. 

Day 2 at 2cm. 

Going into our second day of labor, you could say the makeup was off. I was not progressing on my own so I was given 2 options. Either they could give me medicine to help my cervix dilate or they could do a balloon procedure which is more effective. I chose the more effective option and I'm glad I did because things really started to move after that. Once the balloons were inside, it was probably one of the most uncomfortable feelings I have ever felt in my life. They wanted me to keep walking, or bouncing on the ball and I really did want to! I wanted all the photos of me in pain and Jorden comforting me while I did all those stretches you see pregnant woman doing.... needless to say we got none. I was in so much pain, I couldn't bounce, or walk...all I could do was grunt and cry. Eventually I took a trip to the bathroom, a much dreaded trip....and out came the balloons. I'll spare you the gory details. 

Being in labor is one of the most humbling experiences, I won't ever forget the nurses who showed me so much compassion and love during this time. 

Once the balloons were out, I just kept progressing more and more. Contractions were getting closer together, and more painful. Again, there was a nurse change and to my surprise this nurse happened to know who I was... I was mortified at first. 

"Are you an instructor at Style Cycle?"... 

Why yes, yes that's me. Bare, sweaty, pale and bloated...I was hurting and felt at an all time low but she made me feel like I still looked like that girl up there on that podium. Confident, strong and fearless... even tho I felt otherwise.

It just kept getting worse, at this point I couldn't even hold Jordens hand, I was clinched to the bed in pain. I was holding out on the epidural for such a long time and I don't even know why... at this point I was 7cm dilated and finally asked for the epidural. The anxiety I had leading up to my epidural was worse than actually getting it put in. After that, I felt absolutely nothing. It was pure magic, I was figuring at this point...I won't even feel anything now! Baby boy will just fly out. I couldn't wait to start pushing, to see Jorden's face when we give birth to our first baby and to experience my son laying on my chest for the first time.... I was so excited things were moving and I thought I was going to have this incredible vaginal birth...

"Page the Dr..."

I wasn't sure what was going on but I knew something was happening because my nurse came in and looked at the heart rate of baby, left the room and came back in with what felt like 10 other nurses. One put oxygen on me, and the others were rushing around the room, I don't really know what anyone was doing at this point, it was pretty much a blur. I remember my nurse telling me the baby's heart had dropped, and we were waiting for the Dr. and not to worry. But, that's pretty impossible for me at this point because I was panicking... I was on oxygen and all these people were around my bed just starring at me. I was terrified something was horribly wrong with my baby...

The Dr. came in and checked me... little man was even further up than before and she discovered the cord was around his little neck on top of that he had a bowl movement..... we had to get him out. I knew the words were coming but I was still holding out some hope of a vaginal birth...a normal birth.. I just wanted this first time to be so special and perfect, but then she said it. 

"We have no choice, I'm sorry we have to take you back for a cesarean.." 

My heart sank, and of course I started to cry and vomit a few times. This was my first baby and all I wanted was to experience the full thing, the pushing and the screaming and the labor I had pictured for 9 months... I wanted it. But I had to quickly come to terms with our new plan. I knew as soon as the baby's heart slowed they were already ready to get me back, I could feel it. 

I was sick, I couldn't stop throwing up. This is not how I pictured it...was my baby okay? Will I be okay? Where is Jorden? Where am I? Am I going to pass out? I feel like I'm going to fall asleep and not wake up... this is not how I pictured it...

Jorden finally came in when they were about to start, and I couldn't feel anything except for extremely nauseous...then pressure, lots and lots of pressure. Then all of a sudden... I heard him. 

February 28th at 9:27pm I heard my son's voice for the first time.

They laid his little body on the paper in front of me, I didn't get to hold him. I didn't feel his first breath, I saw it hit the plastic paper separating us. It was so incredible, seeing him out of my body. This little human, I grew him.. hes been apart of me for so long... and now hes here and he was okay. Nothing in that moment mattered, he was here. The best moment of my life, I will never forget the feeling of seeing him for the first time....then it hit me, a rush of nausea and they took him. 

I didn't get to hold him. I didn't get to touch him. I was in and out of sleep from the medication, I was sick and dazed. I remember asking Jorden to record, then hearing a nurse say.."No recording, just photos..", I cried. I was just so devastated at the whole experience. I couldn't hold my baby for the first time, I couldn't feel him breathing on me, I feel like I was robbed somehow. Not only did I expect something so different than this, but I couldn't capture this moment that I had thought we would get. 

Nothing went as planned. 

It took me a little while to come to terms with the c-section, and to be completely honest its still hard for me. I know there are other woman who have felt like me, but I feel almost selfish for thinking this way...for this experience being  so hard for me. But we have a healthy baby boy, and some people don't walk away with a baby. Sometimes the ending isn't so perfect. Sometimes the end is the end and there's no going home... so I am completely aware our ending could have been much different. I am grateful for the Dr. who made sure she took care of me even tho it was her day off just so I was comfortable. I am thankful for the nurses who scrambled to make sure my baby and I were safe. I am thankful for the nurse who recognized me and spoke up because something about that gave me a sense of empowerment in those last moments of panic. I did feel strong, and I did remember what I am capable of, and for that I am forever grateful.

I was told a month before I got pregnant, I might not be able to be a mother. After I gave birth to my baby, my Dr. told me again my endometriosis is back and one of the worst cases they've seen. So, its going to be hard again..but I trust God and his plan because he has never failed me. I'm a mother now, and if I get to be a mother again it'll just be a bonus. 

For those cesarean mamas out there, we are just as brave and strong as those who gave birth a different way than we did. We are still powerful and we still grew a human for 9 months.. your story is still special and it is yours. 

Never doubt your "U" turn...

xx